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From Iowahawk – The (Effing) Pandagon Papers

From our old friend, the genius Iowahawk:

The Pandagon Papers

[Strong content warning – ed.]

To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: Job Offer

Dear Senator Edwards:

I am fucking delighted to accept your offer of the position of Official Blogger for the Edwards 2008 presidential campaign. Please find attached my fucking W-2 form.

I would like to express my heartfelt thanks for this totally fucking awesome opportunity to help you take America back from fucking BushCo and the other fucktard bible-humping extremists that have turned this once great nation into a goddamn rape factory for their snakehandling Jesus Camp hatebots.

In closing, I am so fucking proud to be a part of this campaign, and fucking gratified to know that I’ll be working for someone who fucking understands the importance of reaching out to progressive bloggers like myself. I look forward to contributing in any way I fucking can. You won’t be fucking sorry!

Fucking Sincerely,
Amanda Marcotte, "Pandagon"

****************************************

To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: Campaign Ideas

Dear Senator Edwards:

I had a couple of ideas for getting the campaign off to a fucking roaring start. I ran some numbers and discovered that (1) Orange County North Carolina has a shocking lack of women’s reproductive health centers, and (2) your new home there has 28,000 square feet of space. What better way to address community health needs — and appeal to the women’s vote — than by installing an abortion clinic inside your own house? It would only take up about 500 square feet total (not counting the exterior biohazard dumpster), and you appear to have a fucking awesome space between the indoor basketball court and reflective koi pond.

I also discovered that North Carolina is home to NASCAR, which as you know is the official sport of toothless Southern white supremecist racists. I think would make fucking great campaign street theater to drive over to one of the local fucking dickwad reich wing repugnican NASCAR garages and piss all over their goddamn earth-destroying Klan-mobiles. On the way there, it probably wouldn’t fucking kill you to drop in at the Durham courthouse to support District Attorney Nifong in his brave battle to bring the white rapist Duke lacrosse team to justice.

To help organize the local campaign swing, I’ve lined up a couple of camera crews and programmed directions into the GPS of your Benz (the silver one).

On To The White House!
Amanda

PS – I cross-posted my thoughts at the official campaign site, I will let you know about voter feedback.

****************************************

To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: Focus Group

Dear Senator Edwards:

To help you hone your campaign message for the online community, I organized an impromptu focus group of top progressive bloggers for tomorrow night at the Raleigh Airport Hilton. This group will include political analyst Jeremy Lacewell of Die Motherfucking ZioNazi NeoCon Motherfuckers Die, feminist Kiersten Lomax of Hands Off My Cunt, and recent immigrant blogger Mohammed al-Aziz of I Intend To Detonate a Nuclear Weapon in St. Louis.

This event will help you get acquainted with online mainstream progressives, discuss the issues important to them, and come up with a strategy for countering the insane Xtian Jesusist lynchmobs. We will be serving lacto-vegetarian snacks and Ecstasy to help facilitate a free-wheeling discussion.

Hope you can make it!!!

Amanda

****************************************

To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: Request and etc.

Dear Senator Edwards:

Sorry you had to miss the focus group. I received you request about deleting my old Pandagon posts, but I have to say I’m totally fucking perplexed by it. For instance the one where I said

"I had to listen to how the poor, dear lacrosse players at Duke are being persecuted just because they held someone down and fucked her against her will–not rape, of course, because the charges have been thrown out. Can’t a few white boys sexually assault a black woman anymore without people getting all wound up about it? So unfair."

Do you really think that somebody would really think I had sympathy for those Duke rapists? Fucking HELLO, it was fucking sarcasm. Quality sarcasm, I might add. The only people too stupid to see the sarcasm are idiot Catholics and magic underpants Mormon baby machines, and they’re probably so stupid that they agree with it unironically. For fuck sake, who could possible be offended?

Curiously,
Amanda

****************************************

To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: New idea

Dear Senator Edwards:

I just had an amazing fucking brain fart. I tried reaching you several times by phone to explain, but you are apparently in some fucking horrible cell area. Anyhoo, here’s the idea. You might have read my totally fucking righteous blog post where I said

"One thing I vow here and now–you motherfuckers who want to ban birth control will never sleep. I will fuck without making children day in and out and you will know it and you won’t be able to stop it. Toss and turn, you mean, jealous motherfuckers. I’m not going to be ‘punished’ with babies. Which makes all your efforts a failure. Some non-procreating women escaped. So give up now. You’ll never catch all of us. Give up now."

Okay, here’s the thing: since I am so totally fucking committed to the politics of fucking, I figure why not turn my empowered political fucking right back on the Rethuglican Christofascists? Let’s say I go down to the next meeting of the Duke Young Republicans and offer to do any and all of them. If they agree to fuck me, I can expose them as hypocrites. If they don’t, I can expose them as closeted self-hating gays. Win-Win-Win! Plus, I’ve been in contact with Mike Nifong and he says he has some other ideas.

Edwards in ’08!
Amanda

****************************************

To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: password problems

Dear Senator Edwards:

I hate to bother you with fucking minutiae, but I’ve been trying to fucking log on to the campaign blog site to write a new post, and it isn’t taking my fucking password. I left several messages for Jeff in IT, but he hasn’t fucking returned them. Could you call him and ask him to help me the fuck out? I’ve got a couple new thoughts I want to share with your supporters.

Amanda

****************************************

To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: I know when I’m not wanted

Dear Asshole:

After another fucking half fucking hour of calling Jeff, I decided to go down to fucking HQ and find out what the fucking fuck was up, and as soon as I got there the whole staff fucking scrambled and stared at their fucking shoes like I had a case of fucking racist repugnican cooties or something. That’s when I realized the whole fucking deal.

Listen dickwad, I’m not that stupid. You just stood there like some Christo-fascist hatebag and let me get swiftboated by a bunch of insane extremist winger blog monkeys.

Don’t you think I understand what you’re doing? You and that miserable Stepford wife, playing happy family in your big castle, trying to appeal to the fucking fucktard middle America hate demographic. Well, I’ve got news for you, John. Amanda Marcotte and the grassroots will not be ignored. Don’t you pity me, don’t you ever pity me, you smug bastard! We won’t allow you, or any other Democrat, to treat us like some slut voter bloc you can just bang a few times and throw in the garbage.

So don’t bother sending a termination notice, John, because either way I’ll be coming in tomorrow bright and early. You’ll never be rid of me, or Kos, or DU, because we were all meant to be together.

Forever.

Though, to be fair to Ms. Marcotte, her actual ponderings are almost as funny.

They’re just not funny "ha ha."

This article was posted by Steve on Saturday, February 10th, 2007. Comments are currently closed.

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