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Hillary Clinton Insists She Is Not A Lesbian

From the New York Daily News:

Hillary Clinton: I’m not a lesbian

Friday, September 21st 2007

Hillary Clinton has publicly announced that she is not a lesbian.

Hillary Clinton officially declared she’s not a lesbian – not that there’s anything wrong with that.

During an interview with The Advocate to be published next week, Sean Kennedy, the gay magazine’s news and features editor, asked the presidential candidate, “How do you respond to the occasional rumor that you’re a lesbian?”

“People say a lot of things about me, so I really don’t pay any attention to it,” Sen. Clinton (D-N.Y.) replied.

“It’s not true, but it is something that I have no control over. People will say what they want to say.”

Kennedy told the Daily News he’s convinced. “I 100% believe she’s a straight, heterosexual woman,” he said.

Well, if Hillary says so.

We certainly know she has never lied to us before.

But what will this pronouncement do to her constituency?

This article was posted by Steve on Friday, September 21st, 2007. Comments are currently closed.

3 Responses to “Hillary Clinton Insists She Is Not A Lesbian”

  1. artboyusa says:

    An opportunity too good to miss…here’s one from the Artboy Archives:

    AMERICAN PERFECTIONN, the Hillary Clinton Story, reaches for a clean hankie to join “A Nation in Mourning”!

    “I’ve been a bad, bad girl and I deserve to be punished”.

    Bent across the shapely knees of Huma the Campaign Aide and “Body Person”, Hillary waited for a stinging sensation but felt nothing on her big, bare upturned ass except the chill recycled air of the motel’s climate control system.

    “Well? Come on” urged the impatient candidate. “I haven’t got all day”.

    “Gee, Senator” stammered Huma. “I’m not sure about this…it seems kinda, you know, weird”.

    “It’s not weird, Hummer!” rejoined Hillary. “I’m exploring my vulnerable side…so paddle me, goddammit!”

    “Well, okay. If you say so…”

    “I do. Get smacking!”

    As the hesitant Huma raised her ping pong paddle high the door was flung open wide and Martin Bormann, tears streaming from his little piggy eyes, rushed in.

    “Mein Fuhrer! Mein Fuhrer!” cried the agitated Bavarian. “Somezing terrible haz habbened!”

    “What? What? WHAT?” barked Hillary. “Can’t you knock? Don’t you see I’m in a conference?”

    “Terrible news! Terrible!” sobbed Bormann. “He iz todt! Dead!”

    Lurid images of Obama torn apart by wild dogs and Bill eaten alive by ravenous piranhas flickered briefly across the shell-torn No Man’s Land of Hillary’s mental landscape. She grinned wolfishly.

    “Really? Who’s dead?”

    “Heath Ledger”.

    “Who?” enquired Hillary just before Huma jumped up screaming “Noooo! Heath – noooooo!” and ran out of the room and, in so doing, left Hillary dumped on the floor.

    “Heath Ledger”.

    “What the hell’s a ‘heath ledger’?” asked Hillary, getting to her feet and hiking up her pantsuit bottom. “It sounds like landscape gardening”.

    “He vuz ein speiler – you know, ein actor. Ze most beautiful, ze most gifted performer uff hiz generation” choked Bormann. “He vuz in ‘Brokeback Moundain’ – ze vun in ze vite hat. A golden, beautiful boy…I vuz his biggest fan. I must fly at once to New York zo I can go to ze scene of zis tragedy and join ze thousands of devoted fans leaffing hand made tributes und standing around on ze sidevalk holding candles und looking stupid”.

    “Forget it, Marty. You already had time off for Oktoberfest. I need you here”.

    “But mein Fuhrer – please! Zis is ein national tragedy! Zis iz der vorst ding vat haz ever happened! Nuzzing else matters. Heath iz gone – und a nation veeps!”

    “It is? It does? It veeps?”

    “Ach, ja! For sure – look at ze telly. Id’s vall to vall coverage!”

    Bormann flicked on the set and sure enough, it was true.

    “Look at those jerks” muttered Hillary as the cameras panned over the crowds of sobbing mourners. ”What a bunch of sadsacks, what a bunch of losers; they look like someone just shot their dog. Don’t these people have jobs or something to go to? Jeezus; grow some nuts, for cryin’ out loud”.”

    “Heath…Heath” sniffed Bormann. “Vy did you leaf uz? Vy? Vat shall ve do now?”

    “Snap out of it, Marty” growled Hillary. “People die all the time – deal with it”.

    “But zis vuz Heath! He vuz in ze movies – zat makes him more impordand zan anyvun elze”.

    “True” mused Hillary, suddenly thoughtful. “True; this is America, after all. Maybe I need to issue a statement; might help tie up the sentimental narcissist vote – there’s plenty of ‘em out there, apparently”.

    “Ach, ja – for sure! You go talk to ze people, mein Fuhrer – und I can haff zum time off?”

    “Sure, Marty – if it means that much to you”.

    “Danke, danke” whimpered Bormann, licking Hillary’s fingers in gratitude.

    “Off you go” said Hillary, reclaiming her drooled-over digits. “And send in my crack speechwriting team; they need to work up some spontaneous remarks for me”.

    Later that day Hillary stood before the microphones to read her spontaneous remarks:

    “My fellow Americans; we stand today united in sorrow. A shining light has gone out of our lives and although a new star beams down upon us from heaven, our hearts are still seared by unimaginable pain. It will be hard, it will not be easy, but we must still discover, from a place deep within ourselves, the inner resources to somehow shoulder this burden of unbearable grief. This is a dark day for America but still we say with one anguished voice; we will never forget you, Keith Dredger…”

  2. proreason says:

    My sister worked in Washington for years and met the Hildabeast a few times.

    Sis swears it was an open secret that Hildy was a lesbian.

    And trying to think about it objectively (hard to do with Hildy), how could a straight woman have endured the humiliation of living with a globally famous serial rapist / adulterer for all those years. It’s not like the Beast had no other options…..after all, she was an Alinsky-ite before The Moron was.

  3. Liberals Demise says:

    My money has always been on her being a dyke and roughing up…….

    Duck…..we’re taking sniper fire!!!

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