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It’s Time To Nationalize Grocery Stores

From the Orange County (CA) OC Register:

It’s time to nationalize grocery stores

Government should ensure we all have enough, but not too much, to eat.


Executive Director of Americans for Free Choice in Medicine in Newport Beach

Monday, May 25, 2009

One of the great scandals of our age is the fact that America spends more on food than any other nation. Many political leaders are now calling for urgent reform to bring spending on food under control. While food spending is rapidly increasing and many Americans are overweight, some do not have enough to eat.

Despite this high spending, the United Nations reports that, according to surveys they sent to government officials around the world, the quality of U.S. food is ranked very low. Officials in France report that their food is the best in the world. More insulting is the higher ranking that British experts give their food.

Leaders in Congress now point to what they see as the root of the problem: corporate greed in the form of grocery stores and restaurants operating on a for-profit basis. They promise to replace all private grocery stores with a national system of government commissaries, which purportedly will operate far more efficiently without the administrative overhead required to make a profit. As it will take some time to organize the national network of commissaries, initially groceries will be available only at offices of the Department of Motor Vehicles and U.S. Postal Service, which will provide the models for developing a government commissary system.

Congress and the administration say they will achieve further efficiencies by prohibiting all advertising of food and food products. Consumers will find shopping much easier if personal preference is eliminated in favor of whatever foods government makes available.

To better control costs, the government will invest billions in new electronic food purchasing records. Everything you eat will be reported to the government, which will analyze the data to eliminate wasteful or unhealthy eating. All new food must be approved by a new Comparative Calorie and Taste Administration, which, for example, would eliminate most of the unnecessary brands of potato chips. And as anyone knows, we have far too many brands of beer.

Food is surely a right, as it is necessary for survival. Therefore all groceries available in government commissaries will be free of charge. This will be financed by an increase of 15 percent in income taxes, except for those making over $80,000 a year, whose taxes will be increased by 75 percent. Because the food supply is not unlimited, a fixed amount of ration coupons will be distributed to ensure that each consumer can obtain an equal amount of food.

All private restaurants will be closed, and limited cafeterias will be operated as government commissaries. Congressional liberals point to school lunch programs as a model and the proven results demonstrated by several generations of well-nourished, trim and fit students. Of course, we veterans also remember all of that great military chow.

So far, conservative leaders are at a loss after hearing these proposals. Some of the more courageous conservatives are responding with proposals for mandatory food purchasing. All citizens, including those who go to bed hungry every night, will be required to purchase membership in new Food Management Organizations.

To further control costs, the purchase of certain cuts of meat and imported gourmet foods could require an FMO’s advance approval.

Across the political spectrum, there is a developing consensus that the only appropriate response to the fact that some consumers cannot afford groceries is to impose a single government-controlled food system on all citizens. All agree that this is sure to provide the same consistently high performance as public education.

Reportedly, the clincher for those proposing grocery nationalization was stated recently by the White House: "The great thing about these proposals is that if we can somehow get this to work for groceries, we can apply the same idea to health care."

Of course this is bitter satire.

But life is certainly imitating art of late.

(Thanks to Jason Gillman for the heads up.)

This article was posted by Steve on Wednesday, May 27th, 2009. Comments are currently closed.

24 Responses to “It’s Time To Nationalize Grocery Stores”

  1. BannedbytheTaliban says:

    A “Modest Proposal” indeed.

  2. pdsand says:

    “So far, conservative leaders are at a loss after hearing these proposals. Some of the more courageous conservatives are responding with proposals for mandatory food purchasing. All citizens, including those who go to bed hungry every night, will be required to purchase membership in new Food Management Organizations.”

    That’s the most prescient part of this article if you ask me.

  3. Steve, I’m glad you mentioned this was satire. I was about to start pulling my hair out…. well what is left of it. It is interesting to think that it terms of this, people would laugh it off, but for any other system in our society, people would be all for it. Doesn’t make much sense.

    • proreason says:

      I thought it was straight up through most of the article as well.

      If you go back and read the details, it is a perfect sendup of Universal Health Care. Replace “food” with “health care” and it works perfectly.

    • MinnesotaRush says:

      Humor is at its’ absolute best when there’s an element of truth in it.

      This article has me rethinking THAT theory!

    • Liberals Make Great Speedbumps says:

      Add me to the list also. I thought this was real for the first few paragraphs too. How scary is that?

  4. Liberals Demise says:

    Pretty much the state of what is to come ………… “Shut up and bend over!”

  5. Colonel1961 says:

    Dang it! I thought we were gettin’ free hotdogs!

  6. Petronius says:

    “Officials in France report that their food is the best in the world. More insulting is the higher ranking that British experts give their food. … a new Comparative Calorie and Taste Administration … would eliminate most of the unnecessary brands of potato chips.”

    From the beginning, you Yanks have been getting everything wrong. You have confused potato chips with crisps, and begun making silly little chips which you call French fries, thereby insulting England’s national food.

    Let’s get a few things straight right from the start. First, only the English make real chips, just as only the Germans make real cars. The French make wine and know practically nothing about either cars or the potato. French fries are not real chips. Real chips are thick potato wedges that have been deep fried to a delicious, lovely, soft, warm, golden brown, and wrapped in heavy paper of white, cream, or brown colour. The deep fry is essential, because we want all the cholesterol we can get. Then the chips are sprinkled with salt and malt vinegar. The chip has nothing whatsoever to do with France or the French (or the Frogs, as they are officially called in England). Rather, chips are made and sold in fish and chip shops throughout Britain. These fish and chip shops, called chip shops, or chippies for short, are carryout food shops and England’s greatest national resource and treasure.

    The things that Americans call potato chips are actually crisps. For some strange reason, in America the best crisps are always advertised and sold under brand names that are of German heritage. These German brands include Utz, Snyders of Hanover, and Kettle’s. Apparently Americans are somehow under the mistaken impression that Germans make the best crisps. However, this is a fundamental error on the part of the Americans, because, as previously explained above, the Germans make cars, not chips or crisps, and motor cars should never be confused with potato products. The best crisps are actually Walkers crisps, and of course Walkers crisps are English.

    Walkers crisps are found throughout Britain. They are a popular pub snack, but are also sold in chippies and in food shops such as Tescos or Sainsburys, news agents, the off-license, and every place imaginable. Walkers serves its crisps in a sturdy, crinkly bag that is plasticized to impart softness and flexibility, with a rich colourful exterior and a silver foil interior. The empty packets are adaptable for use by commoners as condoms on the odd occasion. Ubiquitous empty Walkers crisp packets are found littering sidewalks, motorways, and railway stations across the land, a testimony to their indestructibility and popularity. Littering is, of course, an American tradition that was only recently exported to Britain as part of the deal for David Beckham and Posh Spice.

    Walkers crisps come with a blue packet of salt attached, so that the consumer may salt his or her crisps to individual taste, thus according the ordinary British consumer a degree of freedom and pleasure entirely unknown to most Americans. Moreover, the American potato chip is generally to be found in only three flavours: barbecue, sour cream and onion, or regular––although Dr. Tom Frieden, Nerobama’s food and diet expert and recently appointed chief of the Center of Disease Control and Prevention, has announced that research is well advanced on the American soybean chip. Walkers crisps, on the other hand, come in one hundred flavours, including roast beef, baked beans, roast chicken, bacon, sausage, salt & vinegar, cheese & onion, prawn cocktail, pepperoni pizza, Heinz tomato ketchup, BBQ rib, cajun spice, chili & lemon, steak & onion, Worcestershire sauce, pickled onion, ready salted, tandoori, and egg roll flavours.

    Perhaps the English piece de resistance is the crisp butty. Yes, it must be this artwork that really separates the English from the rest. This crisp butty is a sandwich made with white bread, generously slathered with butter, and tomato sauce, with crisps in the middle. The first sandwich was, of course, an English invention, and in the crisp butty the English have taken the sandwich to its ultimate level. Here again, English potato cuisine has soared to heights undreamed of by either the Americans or the German makers of pseudo potato chips.

  7. wirenut says:

    Petro, thanks for all the info. Now I’m really hungry. Any idea on what to wash all that potato cuisine down with??
    Something from Germany maybe?

    • Petronius says:

      To each his own, Wirenut. But may I recommend Tetley’s Ale brewed in Yorkshire by Carlsberg? Tetley’s can’t be beat with fish ‘n’ chips (or with anything else for that matter), but Tetley’s is difficult to find in the USA. In the alternative, you can’t go wrong with Bass Ale or John Smith’s bitter as traditional favorites. As noted in the news article at the start of this thread, the Nerobama Administration has concluded that “we have far too many brands of beer,” and I suspect that in due course the only choice available in America will be government-issue Dr. Tom’s Processed Soy Brew. Cheers.

  8. Anonymoose says:

    This reminds me a little of that old movie “THX-1138” where society in the future is obsessed about economics but everyone wears identical clothes and the things they “buy” are colored geometric shapes that serve no purpose. I truly look forward to (satire mode on) my future soy based Obamaburger with a side of Obamafries that are baked, not fried.

  9. 12 Gauge Rage says:

    I hope this article was satire. Because for those of us who served we remember all to vividly our trips to the commissary. Such as the surcharge, the baggers who give you a mean look because you didn’t tip them enough, angry retiree’s who scream at you because you took the parking space they were waiting on. And of course the wive’s of high ranking officers and enlisted, cutting into the line and having no shame for it because they were so and so’s wife and didn’t have time to wait like the rest of us. But as the rest of these posts, man. Ya’ll sure know how to make a person hungry with such detailed descriptions of the food. I had a buddy who was once stationed in England. When he came back he told me how much he missed the pubs, and the food with such colorful terms as bangers and mash, beans on toast, and spotted dick.

    • MinnesotaRush says:

      I typed “spotted dick” into my search engine to get some recipes.

      I’d recommend to everybody .. DON”T DO THAT!!!

  10. jobeth says:

    As I read, visions of Toilet Paper lines formed in my head…..Then I woke up and realized it was all a bad dream…

    You are so bad Steve! :- D

    12 gauge Rage

    Married to a Brit…but while I can find plenty to love about him…he can keep his food. I can’t think of anything more boring than Brit food. And he thinks our food is too sweet, has too much cheese, and too much fat.

    Having said that, he likes nothing more that what he calls a “fry up”….chock full of grease! BTW…spotted dick is wonderful even though it is Brit food as well as fish and chips… ummmm!. I think its the cold water Cod fish that makes it so great. Try as I might I can’t seem to find cod that tastes like theirs over here.

  11. 12 Gauge Rage says:

    jobeth, in all my travels while in the military, no matter where I went, the locals of the area would proclaim that their cuisine was the best and everyone else could only dream of having such delicacies to eat. What I like about American food is it’s wide range of flavors based upon where you live. Such as beef fajitas, roast pork with pumpkin, smoked Alaska salmon, roast duck with cranberries, Mississippi Mud Pie, etc. and on a cold day you can’t beat good old military chow hall favorite like S.O.S.

    • jobeth says:

      My doctor would have a fit if I had it….but I dearly love the S.O.S!!! LOL
      Ate a lot of that when my kids were growing up and money was scarce.

      Yep, you are right…we do have the most wonderful array of great food here in the US.

      Ethnic food can be great…but you can keep the oriental…I first check to make sure all the neighborhood cats are accounted for (just kidding!!!)

      I spent my childhood outside Baltimore…the steamed crabs/shrimp are to die for!!!

  12. proreason says:

    Well, I said on this site in Oct / Nov last year that tax receipts could fall up to 50% because of the OSoros market manipulations and crash. I made that statement knowing capital gains taxes would be close to zero, that highly paid people would be laid off and have bonuses cut in droves, and that wealthy people with tax lawyers would be hiding income.

    The results are in.

    It’s a 36% drop.


    Good thing I put in the “up to”.

    On the other hand, I don’t think we’ve seen the full extent of the damage yet. Everybody is going to get really intent now on giving themselves a tax stimulus, and the war on small busineses has just begun.

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