“Frosty chocolate milkshake?”

“No”.

“Fluffernutter sandwich?”

“Nuh unh”.

“How about a foot massage?”

“No way”.

“You better talk, pal. Don’t make me show you the drill!”

“Drill schmill. You don’t scare me. I’ve actually used one of those things, remember?”

“So have I. Built my wife a new birdhouse over the weekend”.

“I mean ‘used’ as in ‘used on people’, you decadent invert”.

“Oh. Okay. C’mon Abu” pleaded Colt Luger, CIA Torture Master “Help me out here. I can’t just go back to my supervisor and say that you didn’t respond to enhanced interrogation – he’ll kill me!”

“Tough noogies, infidel” sneered Abu, as he lolled in the swaying hammock. “Top me up, will you?”

The frizzle bearded Islamist extended the half empty glass and Colt refilled it with fruit juice and replaced the tiny umbrella. “Here you go, Abu” he said.

“Are you sure this is fresh squeezed? It tastes a little watery”.

“I squeezed it myself this morning! Look, how about some magazines to help you while away the lonely hours? I’ve got Playboy’, I’ve got ‘Hustler’, I’ve got “Boy’s Life” too…”

“What are you implying? I’m not into any fag stuff” objected Abu.

“That’s not the word on the tennis court. Anyway, they’re yours just for answering a couple of easy, multiple choice questions. Waddaya say, huh?”

“Forget it, you passive bedmate of Crusaders and Zionists. Your harsh interrogation methods will not loosen my tongue!”

“Gee, you seem a little tense” murmured Colt, gently massaging Abu’s shoulders. “Oh my, yes – you’re all knotted up, big guy”.

“Mmmm…that feels good. Keep going. Tell me, pig – are you Americans for real? I mean, seriously: if you’re going to torture someone, do it and shut up about it. If you’re not, then don’t. This way you’ve got the worst of both worlds – you’ve got all the stigma of torture without the results. It’s pathetic, really”.

“If you’ve got a complaint, there’s a feedback link on our website or you can complete this form…”

“I’m not complaining –I’m just saying, that’s all. And I didn’t say to stop rubbing…”

“Sorry. How’s that?”

“Nice. Anyway, my advice is to forget the whole ‘torture’ thing. You’re not really into it anyway, not like my people are – or the French”.

“Sorry. Maybe we can try harder”.

“Now, those Froggies knew something about torture, let me tell you! Back in the 50s they’d beat those Algerians like gongs, they’d light ‘em up like Christmas trees, chuck them out of planes – you name it”.

“Um, I don’t think that stuff’s in my manual”.

“Got results too. Of course, they kinda lost their case in the court of world opinion along the way. You should read Albert Camus on the subject; he has some really interesting insights…”

“Albert who?”

Abu sighed. “Albert Camus –‘Cam-US’ to you. You know; the Existentialist writer. Sheesh – what cow college madrassah did you go to, anyway?”

“Julius Rosenberg Community College” huffed Colt, defending his education. “Associate’s Degree in Media Studies”.

“Goody for you”.

“Look, you’ve forced me to get rough Abu. You want to play hardball, let’s play hardball. Here’s the deal: if you answer my questions you can have this brand new issue of…’Goat World’* magazine!”

“’Goat World’? exclaimed Abu excitedly. “Really? The latest issue? For my very own?”

“Uh huh”.

“No! No! What am I saying? Tempt me not, blue eyed spawn of Satan and a she-monkey – I will die first!”

“Check it out” teased Colt, flipping casually through the pages. “Look at this one: those big yellow eyes, those swollen udders, , those delicate little hooves. Imagine all that coarse fur, that musky goat aroma…”

“Goat aroma…ohhhh yeeesss…”

“You want to herd her, don’t you? You know you want to…”

“Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!! Enough – I’ll talk! I’ll talk…”blubbered Abu. “You have broken me”.

“Huh? Oh right…broken you. Hang on a sec while I call some moral exhibitionist at the Justice Department to see if it’s okay for us to keep talking…”

* turns out there really is a website called goatworld.com – who knew?

You’re right SG, hope does indeed spring eternal at the Slimes.
However, do TCO and his trusty ACLU trained sidekick Holder really want to start turning over rocks at the CIA? The murky water they churn up may be rather embarrassing to his complicit ringleaders and cheerleaders over in the House and Senate. SanFranNan dodged several bullets during her last encounter with the CIA and she currently doesn’t seem to eager to take incoming fire for the team.