” She may be Black, and she may be Ugly, but she’s a white house contender”

Dear Friend

You know, just last night Michelle and I took the stage before yet another tumultuous, adoring crowd, each of them whooping and hollering like nobody’s business, and as we stood there, smiling and applauding ourselves in that weird Stalinist way we have, I thought to myself “By Allah’s beard, Barack, you’ve got a bright, beautiful, bighearted woman there!”

I mean Michelle, of course. Who else? Isn’t she great? You bet she is! And yet, life hasn’t always been easy for her – oh no, America has disappointed her too, just as America has disappointed so many of the ordinary people I’m reaching with my message of hope; those dull, sulking, huddled and miserable millions, trapped forever in a psychic nightmare of burning resentment and personal failure because America didn’t give them a million dollars and a big house on the lake and marry them to Jennifer Aniston.

Or Brad Pitt for you gals – not that there’s anything wrong if you prefer Jennifer – she’s a babe. Value judgements have never been my way, unlike the Republicans, those smirking, bloated slavemasters who would have all of us toiling away in the hot sun, harvesting oil for Halliburton for a nickel a day if they could.

But I digress – where was I? Oh yeah; Michelle. Anyway, she hasn’t had it easy. Why just the other day she had a phone call from her office. “Um, Michelle” they said. “You haven’t been in to work for two years now – any plans to, uh, you know, stop by? We know you’re busy and all with your message of hope and change but you’ve got a lot of mail piling up and there’s some people in the waiting room and your inbox is pretty full too”.

Can you believe it? Michelle practically donates her talent, her experience and her personal charm for a token salary of $274,000 – where else could you get a “Vice President for Community and External Affairs” for that kind of money? And they have the nerve expect her to show up every year or two? Talk about raising the barrier! “You’ve got this far, sister. Welcome aboard! Here’s your salary check – whoops! Now you’ve got to come into work for it!”

This is the kind of trick America pulls every day on the ordinary working person, the kind I can see every day from my office window, the people who mow our lawns and clean our pools and drive us to and from our many speaking engagements and personal appearances – people just like you. Or her. Or that guy over there. No wonder you’re all so bitter.

Well, Michelle turned on her fabulous personal charm and by the time she was done charming him I could hear that guy from the office crying down the phone and promising never to call back. Good job, Michelle! It’s that special thing she has, that ability to make a direct contact with other people, even when they’re her inferiors, that make her such an asset to our campaign to bring peace and justice, fairness and hope, goodness and decency and excellent personal hygiene to our troubled, confused, Bush-ridden and racially polarized society – whether you want them or not.

Have a great day (if it isn’t, that’s because some rich white man gypped you)

Your pal

Barack

The press keeps trying to glamorize Michelle but she’s downright homely–sue me, call me racist, whatever, she ain’t good looking, and I can’t picture her being graceful or tactful with the international community.

I keep hoping to wake up and find out this is all a bad dream, but instead it’s a live action cartoon.

We used to call such people apprentices, the ones learning the trade.

Don’t we all wish our lives were so damn rotten?

I agree Moonspinner – just wait until that witch gets into the WH – I know why she did not want Hillary as the VP – can you imagine the b word jokes that would abound with those two vying for First Lady.